The Curious Prison Guard’s Peephole

ULADZIMIR KHALIP
24.02.2025, 16:00
14,094

This is worse than the famous St. Petersburg “porebrik”.

Life was getting better — they were selling the prison.

Right now, on Friday, February 21. And not somewhere on distant islands in the ocean because of the lack of inmates. But in Russia, where such institutions have always been in demand among leaders and other rulers. It happened in the city on the Neva, St. Petersburg. They put up for auction not some seedy dungeon, a wretched jail, but the famous “Kresty”. How many famous people have been there!

A masterpiece of a prison, built according to the latest word in punitive art back in the 19th century. Two cross-shaped buildings. Many auxiliary rooms. Not far from the center. With a gorgeous view of the Neva. In a word, the Russian Bastille. The news about the sale of such a unique object simply stunned the thinking public.

Doesn't this sudden event mean that some kind of sharp turn is happening or is planned in the country? Let's say, towards freedom. Or towards something else, bright and long-awaited. No, it doesn't. The prison is simply being sold. Like an ordinary object. Sometimes they sell a residential building that the previous owners are already tired of. They decided to build a new one, luxurious and intricate. Sometimes they sell, say, a tire shop in this city. Or a pasta factory. And then they put “Kresty” up for auction. What's surprising about this?

Business people did not leave this unique event unnoticed. And even ordinary citizens showed some interest in this extraordinary event. Even some shady characters showed up. Hiding their hands in their pockets, they modestly asked curiously: “How much is the prison?” But the security professionally pushed the strangers over the horizon. The auction was not planned at that level. Everything was organized at the highest level. And here is the historic moment — the purchase and sale is completed. Six plots, including two of those very cross-shaped buildings for 999 cameras, which once determined the name of the object, became the property of the developer under the euphonious title of GC “KVS”. The unique acquisition cost 1.135 billion rubles.

And here begins the most important thing. It turns out that the city is incredibly lucky. The new owners intend to invest 10 billion of the same rubles in this object and ultimately get a historical museum, a unique hotel complex, restaurants, galleries and other public spaces open to everyone. This is the kind of transformation that is planned from now on. The closest competitor assumed that this object will include a museum of good and evil, and in addition luxurious sites for upcoming festivals. But he lost to his competitors.

Competent analysts have already assessed this unique deal. The financial costs will pay off within the next ten years only through rent. And if you also design apartments there and then sell them successfully, the project's economics will be simply incomparable. Of course, while this radiant project is being implemented, and the builders stir up the neighborhoods and create inevitable chaos, there will be many opponents of this idea.

Failed buyers or ordinary skeptics after the auction rushed to spread rumors that the spirit of “Kresty” is ineradicable, and the idea of rebuilding all this into a luxurious facility is impossible. Restaurants and cafes, whatever you call them, are gradually degrading into “Chow Hall” and “Prison Loaf”.

The contingent will establish its usual order. And the rooms in the hotel complex will certainly have a peephole, so that each warder can make sure that all the cells are asleep and not up to anything.

All creative ideas, as a rule, are met with misunderstanding, opposition and stupid rebuff. And in vain! This initiative is not the only one in St. Petersburg. These very days, the city government was reviewing at its regular meeting a simply stunning report on the implementation of the most important program of our time. This program was called by its thoughtful creators coolly and even creatively: “Creating conditions for ensuring public harmony in St. Petersburg.” What a scope!

They came up with a program. They received funding. They sent the police where they needed to. And that's it. There is complete public harmony in the city. And does anyone still doubt how the Museum of Good and Evil or something like that will fit into “Kresty”? Everything that is needed will fit. Just like an ordinary peephole of a warden suddenly fits into this amazing life.

It suddenly turned out that 8 thousand cameras operating under the “Safe City” program were equipped with “facial ethnicity recognition tools” by enthusiastic officials. And not just like that, out of stupidity, but “in order to counteract the formation of migrant enclaves and take preventive measures to prevent social tensions.” As a result, the camera operator can, in addition to the place and time of the event, also receive “a biometric face template and determine the ethnic group of a person using heuristic algorithms.”

Officials are in a hurry, in a fuss. They feel that time is running out. And it requires extraordinary moves. The pace is crazy. Everything must be taken into account, transformed, filled with new meaning and sold in time. Something is happening in the country. A new way of life is emerging. Putin's modernism is being born. The new “Kresty” are from there. And the “tools for recognizing the ethnicity of individuals” are from the same opera. All that's missing is perhaps a frank stroke to complete this ensemble.

Or maybe we shouldn't pretend anymore and shyly hide behind “creating conditions to ensure public harmony”, but just erect a simple and frank monument that would clearly mark this “change of milestones”. A monument to an unknown guard.

An ordinary, strict little man stands on a pedestal. In felt boots, an unbuttoned sheepskin coat, a treukh hat. A Mosin rifle in his hands. And boundless devotion in his gaze. And at his feet, instead of a shepherd dog, an artificial intelligence is curled up. Nothing special. Something that hovers in the air. It won't take long for everyone to understand what's what.

The Curious Prison Guard’s Peephole

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